Thoughts for 10-19-2005

WARNING: When you make the statement "You know, I really don't want to buy a house. I'm happy renting," this phrase may cause some folks to spit out their beverage or look at you at you like you just said you want to have sex with George Bush (Pick either one...they're both rankly disugsting!). It's about as bad as people asking why I don't have a kid, and when I tell them I don't want to, they go into a litany of more questions, trying to pick apart my reasons and convince me that, in fact, I DO or SHOULD want to have a kid. Er, no thanks. Having a kid would be about as welcome as pushing a porcupine through my cervix, and I ain't about to go there. Thank you, Dr. Presthus for giving me Essure!! It's all about CHOICE. In this lifetime, we are afforded the gracious opportunity to CHOOSE how we life our lives. We get to choose the type of college we want to attend, in which occupation we want to work, whether or not we have kids, marry, buy a house, car, cat, dog, fish, etc. Yet, some people act like certain decisions are more requirements than choices, i.e., buying a house or having kids.

I have rented all of my adult life, and I have no problem with it. Yes, there were times when I thought I would buy a house in the future because I thought that that was what I was supposed to do; however, after my husband and I moved out of our apartment (THANK YOU, LORD!) and found the one-bedroom bungalow where we now live, we decided, "Hell, let's just stay here for the duration!" We will never have to worry about needing more space than we already have. We're the caretakers of our little bungalow, and because of this, our rent is fixed at a decent price and will never go up. There's also the possibility that, should the owners wish to sell the bungalow, we would get first dibs at trying to purchase it. That would be the only way we buy property at all. Even if it never happens, it wouldn't bother us. Why this bothers other people, just like our choice to be childfree, I WILL NEVER KNOW.

The prompting for this entry today is that I went onto a message board and posted that I am not interested in buying a house ever, and I'm cool with renting our bungalow, and I got all kinds of crazy remarks such as "You're not serious about being a lifetime renter, are you?" or "What about when you get old?" (Um, when I get old, I'll probably retire and move to Florida!) or that I wasn't financially savvy or "on top of my game." I was like, "WTF?" One person posted that she rents an apartment now and loves it, but I was the main target of most people's anger and non-understanding of my decision. I made one last quick reply, then stepped out. I posted this same message on EZCF; however, and received encouraging remarks, as well as finding other people who felt the same way I did. It seems that most people who follow the Life Script ™ seem to judge those who don't quicker than a tornado blowing through a small town in Kansas, and those who live their lives outside the box seem to undertstand exactly what's up.

At any rate, NO, I ain't birthin' babies, and NO, I ain' t buying a house (with the exception of what i stated above about buying the bungalow from the current owners). I just gotta say I LOVE YOU FOLKS AT EZCF! :)

Elevators, Buses and Stuff

Recently, I have found myself having somewhat of a disdain for riding in elevators with other people. No, I don't hate people - okay, well, some days, I do; it's just the way that some people check you out and look you over as if you're in some type of beauty pageant when you enter an elevator. I HATE IT. The elevators in the building where I now work have stainless steel mirrored walls, so if I step on the elevator, and someone else is on there, I can look at the reflection of the person and see them looking me up and down with their eyes and see what type of expression they have on their face while doing so. It makes me so sick to my stomach the way people just JUDGE you based on appearance, especially while in close quarters. Same with getting on a bus. You walk up the stairs and put your fare in, and people are looking to see if you look like a model or not, and they respond accordingly with their eyes, facial expressions and body language. Then, you've got those who are judging to see if you're cute, hip or cool enough to sit next to them, and if you're neither of these and happen to sit next to them, they are not happy about it.

I'm fat, I know it, and so does everyone else, and of course, on a crowded bus, the person who has the last empty seat is usually hoping I don't sit next to them. Public transportation is a bitch most times. Then, you got the stinky folks who smell like a herd of buffalos and probably haven't used soap and water since the 70s. Then, there are the folks with their own problems and attitudes that they spew out onto others. Then, there are the sane, helpful, kind folks - the ones that you might sit next to, and they strike up a conversation about the weather or recent events, and they say "Have a good day/night" when either you or that person leaves. Then, there are the bus drivers. Good gravy on a stick!!

Some bus drivers can be just as bad as some of the people who ride the bus. Some of the bus drivers hate their jobs, so they take it out on the passengers by being hard, mean and cruel. Some bus drivers also do the judging by looks thing, and if you're short on change, but pretty enough, they'll let you pass. If not, you' ass is grass. Some bus drivers are hella cool and actually entertaining and fun, and you can chat with them, they sing, crack jokes, and make the ride seem a little bit more enjoyable. Some bus drivers are indifferent, but polite. Then you got the Playa-Playa bus drivers who holla at any woman who comes on the bus. "Say, babe, howudoin'?" *LOL* Believe me, when you've been riding the bus for as long as I have (Just learned to drive 3 years ago!), you come up on a lot of strange people and strange events.

Well, that's my rant for the day.

Tonight is Ladies Night Out at my friend's place, so I'll be busy with that and will report back on how it went. Also, hubby and I are going to a moving sale that my supervisor is having. We may not buy anything, but there's nothing wrong with window shopping. :)

Still working on maintaining my inner peace.

Letting Go

My friend wrote this list about me:


You are a beautiful person Vashion.
You are stong and confident.
You are a loving and committed Wife
You are a fun person.
You have a wonderful sense of humor.
You are fun to hang out with and be around.
You are a dependable person.
You are a hard worker.
You are a teamplayer.
You are wise.
You adapt to change quickly.
You are open minded.
You are compassionate
You can not be replaced.

She is right. These are truths about me which others see in me - some of which I acknowledge, others which I did not, but I will from now on. Here is also my new daily mantra that I just wrote today:


I agree to send out peace and blessings, not unhappiness or negativity or to seek revenge towards anyone who may have hurt me.

I agree to ask God to help me heal my past hurts and to help me move on, and though I may not be able to forget what happened, even if for a very long time, I will forgive.

I agree to ask forgiveness to anyone I may have hurt. Whether they forgive me or not is not up to me. The fact that I have admitted my hurting them and asked their forgiveness is what matters.

I agree to let it go, I agree to wash my hands of it.

Thank you, Jesus.

Also, a poem called "Let It Go:"


Let it go
I know it's hard to do
Especially when the one you loved
In return did not love you

Let it go
I know it's going to hurt
It may even tear you up inside
But if you keep holding on to it, the best part of you may die

Let it go
I know you're mad and you want to cry and shout
Go ahead and do that
Because living life and letting go of the past is what YOUR LIFE needs to be about

Let it go
Let it fly free into the hands of the Lord
Let Him handle this
Vengeance is His, so cut the cord

Let it go
Let yourself in and let the badness subside
Let it go
Come on out and enjoy the world outside

Let it go
When one door closes, many doors and windows open up
Let it go
Because once you completely free yourself from your past hurts, God will overfill your cup

Amen!